He Said, She Said: Communicating with the Opposite Sex



Posted: Monday, October 17, 2005

by
Solstice Coaching & Consulting, Inc.

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He Said, She Said: Communicating With The Opposite Sex

By Emily Bermes, MA, CPCC

© Emily Bermes - All rights reserved
http://www.emilybermes.com
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Communication in relationships comes up a lot in personal
and professional coaching sessions. In their quests for a
fulfilling, successful, accomplished, meaningful lives my
clients have to interact with the opposite sex - it's true.
And in doing so, they often get smacked in the head with the
differences in communicative style and focus of their
opposite sex partner. Not knowing the most fundamental
differences in masculine and feminine communication is like
trying to speak American English in Ireland. A lot of
information will translate and quite a bit of it won't. So
here are the basics. Take what's useful for your own
professional development and self-improvement. These tips
work at home and on the job.

In the most basic sense, men tend communicate by doing
things and for the sake of accomplishing a task. They show
affection through favors, solving problems, and physical
gestures. They also expect to see a tangible outcome from a
dialogue. They tend to give advice and share opinions as a
gesture of affection...unfortunately women typically find
this offensive.

Women, on the other hand, tend to communicate for the sake
of social connection. They share thoughts and feelings and
see "bonding" as a sufficient and desirable outcome for
communication. Women also tend to talk in a really
elaborate, detailed verbal pattern. Unfortunately, this
drives men nuts.

Married people, co-workers, and even opposite sex family
members misunderstand each other - this is very common. In
fact, "inability to communicate" is the number one reason
cited for divorce. The good news is there are ways to
improve the communication that takes place between men and
women. Here are some simple tips.

* Give your partner clues about what you need. Ask simply
and directly for the listening and speaking behaviors you
are wanting at that time. If you want quiet listening and
support, but no advice, just say so. If you want a more
succinct account of a situation, ask for it (gently).

* Try to interpret your partners communication via their
learned rules and tendencies. Their behaviors will not
translate correctly if you're using your rules to interpret
them. Batman and Wonder Woman do not use the same decoder
ring neither should you.

* Resist the temptation to criticize their communication.
For a long time society (and even researchers) looked at
feminine communication as "right" and masculine as "wrong".
The truth is...they both work fine. Criticism will only
deepen the divide.

* Learn to be bi-lingual. Develop competencies in masculine
and feminine communication styles, so that no matter who you
talk to, and in what context, you can speak the language
that works. Research proves the most successful people do.

Here are some other generalizations about the way men and
women communicate (these are not blanket truths, just
statistical tendencies). Continue learning to interpret
your partners communication, ask for what you want/need, and
increase your competencies in each communication style. You
can indeed bridge the gender gap.

Men
* Listen while doing something else, and provide advice
and/or tactical support

* Tend to prefer direct, succinct language that is not very
detailed

* Tend to be competitive

* Men tend to need make up sex before they can 'talk about
it'

* Show affection by doing things for those they care about

* Talk most comfortably while side by side, or while engaged
in an activity

* Focus on task needs of a situation

Women
* Tend to listen by nodding, making noises that show they
are interested, and by sympathizing

* Tend to use elaborate, detailed language

* Tend to be cooperative

* Need to 'talk about it' before they want to have make up
sex

* Show affection verbally by sharing thoughts and feelings

* Talk most comfortably while sitting face to face, doing
nothing else that could interfere with the dialogue

* Focus on the social or emotional needs of a situation

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Emily Bermes is a Certified Personal and Professional Coach
whose articles appear regularly in popular magazines. You
can discover proven techniques to overcoming anxiety,
procrastination, career frustrations and more by subscribing
to her free newsletter at http://www.emilybermes.com
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